Free wisdom for offspring

 

I have been a Dad to eleven children. I started out as a step-dad when I was only fifteen and have since fathered eight of my own. Seven of my children have survived. My first daughter, Naomi, was stillborn and never smiled.

 

I never had any fatherly guidance or advice passed on to me, so I started dad-hood with absolutely no clue as to how to be one. However, I have now been doing this Dad stuff for more than 37 years. I have the hair loss, wrinkles, overdraft, and manic-depressive tendencies to prove it!

 

I now know it is unlikely that I will be leaving my offspring any great cash inheritance so I do my best to pass on my most valuable asset – which is a share of human wisdom. Wisdom tempered by years of life experience, like steel in a blacksmiths fire emerging more purified by the sting of life and the benefit of hindsight.

 

I have developed an approach that seems to be working on my kids, so I thought I would share it here, just in case it was of any use to you when dealing with your offspring. At the very least, I hope it will inspire you to develop your own effective communication.

 

I call the approach ‘You are born and then you die’. It’ not as negative as it sounds but it does seem to get their attention. I usually sit each child down for this lesson of life when they are around nine, and then I repeat it again whenever it seems prudent to do so up until they are spotty and giving too much back chat – which is usually age 16 or 17. I work on the basis that if it is not working by then, it probably will not work at all. I must just point out that to date I have a 100% success rate with those I have raised and three kids are still in due process and progressing well.

 

I moderate the wisdom message, and the intensity of delivery, according to the age, individual needs, and the understanding of each child. I usually become more serious and real-life specific as they grow older. I think each time I have given this lesson I too have learned more from it.

 

Anyway, to get to the point, I sit them down and hand them a piece of blank paper, usually size A4 landscape, a pencil, and a calculator. I ask them the date of their birthday. I then ask them if they know the date that they will die. This usually produces a confused look. I then inform them what the current average life span is for their sex. With this new knowledge in their mind, I get them to work out the approximate date of their death, based on their birth date and the additional average life span figure. I then get them to write the birthday in the bottom left corner of the paper and the death date in the bottom right corner, with a straight line drawn between the two, left to right. I now explain that this is their ‘life line’ - the ‘born and then you die’ time-period. I balance this lesson with sensitive explanation because I do not want to traumatise them with the inevitability of death. Together we work out the dates along the line that represent various period of life, starting with being a toddler, then being at nursery, infant school, primary school, and senior school. As we progress, depending on their current age, we end up with a time line of dates that act as a discussion point. I also get them to itemise all the things in life that they would like to have or experience. This list changes considerably as they grow older.

 

I take time to explain that all humans have a period of school, sometimes including college or university. I also explain the purpose of education and the sad history of those who lost their lives fighting for the right for them to have an education. I sometimes refer to the days when children where in the workhouse or up a chimney and I always point out that some children are still denied an education. I make sure that their own education becomes a focus for them at a level that they understand.

 

I continue to pinpoint dates along their lifeline that show teenage years, twenties, thirties, forties and so on. I also take time to emphasis the productive years of life and the benefits of having a good job, a purpose in life, and a family circle of love and support. I generally discuss the negatives of having no career and no goals in life. I usually talk about a hypothetical child who has the opportunity for education but ignores it and ends up at the bottom of the food chain. I discuss the cost of living and the cost of all the things they say they would like.

 

What we end up with is a snapshot time line, a simple visual aid condensing life on a page and acting as a prompter for discussion.

 

I am not going to include a visual layout or wordy description of this entire process for you to follow verbatim. That would not be helpful because every child is different and you will have different views and opinions to me. Your influence on your children will differ from mine. However, I think what is important for me to convey, it the fact that sitting down on a regular basis and discussing these issues, facts of life, their human expectations, and how they can seriously influence their own lives, has had a very positive affect on my children so far.

 

I would propagate a simple message to all parents, ‘talk to your children, challenge their misconceptions, encourage them, surround them with positive role models and give them tough-love.’

 

For me, leaving them a bucket of cash is not an option. Leaving them empowered with knowledge and the understanding that I loved them, even when I was challenging them, is far more valuable.

 

I am lucky to have adult children who prove that I must have got something right along the way.

 

I welcome any comments or additional wisdom on the subject.