A message to the children

Today I had a deep and meaningful thought. If I die sometime soon will my children know how much they meant to me while I was alive? I have pondered this private question and concluded that they would not. I am not planning to die in the near future but then who does? Apart from a planned suicide, there is no way of knowing the final date, time, and location of your last breath. I could die tomorrow, or before I finish typing this sentence. This fact of life has hit me like a speeding train running into a brick wall. With this thought in mind, I have decided to make an official record of what my children mean to me. This way, if I die after this record is complete, they will know for sure what was in my mind, and if I die sooner they will at least know that I was thinking about them. Of course, I have told them that I love them many times. That has been a regular statement, although not as regular as it should have been or expressed as often as I have actually thought it. I feel I have never expressed my feelings of love with words that suitably convey the power of that love when I say the words ‘I love you’ out aloud. I guess, if I am to start out with meaningful and truthful dialogue, I should first confess that ‘love’ has been a shallow and thin experience for most of my life. I have always felt that love was not a meaningful or real feeling for me to experience. Understanding it, receiving it, or giving it to others has never felt like a natural process to me. I have developed an intellectual understanding of it and I have often expressed it with words and actions but I know the expressions have emanated from my mind and not from my heart. This is because, until today, the true meaning of love was in a part of my mind that has been dormant since childhood. It is my conviction that all humans are capable of the love experience, but often, usually in childhood, trauma can stunt its natural growth. Love is something we start to experience from within the womb even if we are not aware of it. It comes initially from our parents and our existing family members - at least this is what should happen. As we take our first breath of life, we start learning to live. We learn living from those who care for us. We have a human instinct and some say we have genetic and environmental influence from conception to birth that affects who we are going to become and how we will develop when born. People who believe in a God creator say that we come into life with a spirit and with a predestined purpose. Others believe that we have a human spirit that lives before and beyond our flesh and blood experience. I am not sure what I believe regarding a creator, but I am sure that the giving and receiving of love is a natural human experience that we need to have - it is an integral part of our reason for survival as a species. I believe that we learn to love from those who demonstrate it to us. Initially it is ‘parental’ love that we receive and this extends to siblings, family, and close friends who love us. I did not have any real love extended to me during my childhood so I never learned the act of love nor did I experience the giving and receiving of love. As a toddler, I loved my parents and my grandparents. I am sure I did my instinctive best to show them my child love. During my later childhood, I became unwanted by those who parented me and I was alone and kept at arms length from the normality of a happy family life. My parent abandoned me and discarded me, leaving me alone in a loveless and abusive environment. I inevitably became emotionally disabled and unable to love.

That was all a long time ago but my childhood is the platform from which I developed into an adult. The seeds of doubt, mistrust, and emotional void where sown into my mind at a crucial time of development and I grew to be an adult who has struggled to love or trust in a sustainable and meaningful way. In fact, even now, I struggle to love those who I love. I struggle to trust humans. I struggle with manic depression and I wrestle with a feeling of human failure on a daily basis.

So, my dear children, this is what I want to say to you all:

‘From the moment that your mothers confirmed you where in existence, I have loved you. I have loved you for every second of your life. I have loved you more each day, each week, and each year. On a daily basis, each of your lives has made mine bearable and the unconditional love you have all given me has helped to heal my damaged mind and my broken heart. Each day of your life, I have thought about you. When I have been away from you, I have imagined what you are doing and I have worried if you are safe. From the moment each of you where placed in my arms, wrapped in fresh shawls, I have dedicated my life to loving you. From the moment our eyes met, when you where a few moments old, I have been aware of you. Your safety, happiness, and success in life have been of paramount importance to me since that very moment in time. Right now, you are all at different stages of life, and you are all loved and safe. You each make me proud and fulfilled as a human being. Even when I have failed you, I have loved you. I have loved you out of duty and I have loved you because I know I should. Today, I love you because you are my wonderful children and I cherish each of you with all of my heart. I want you to know that I have stayed alive for as long as I could just to share your lives. I have learned love from you. My life became bearable because you each loved me. My greatest desire is to know that you will love each other for the rest of your lives and that your love will spill into your Children’s lives in abundance.